Sunday, 2 February 2014



Okay, okay, I admit it - I’m a wimp!

   Despite writing two earlier blogs about my loathing of the things, I’ve betrayed my lofty principles and narrow-minded prejudices and have purchased a mobile (cell) phone.

   I wrote back then “if people discover you haven’t got one, they look at you with a mixture of distrust, contempt, pity, horror and disbelief. It’s even worse than the reaction I get when people discover I’m a vegetarian!”

   Well, I have to report that since I became unemployed late last year, every job I’ve applied for requests a mobile phone number, not a telephone number, but a mobile phone number. So, bad luck Charlie, if you haven’t got one – you’re probably immediately behind the eight-ball, given the glut of unemployed accountants looking for work.

   I’ve had a few interviews with employment agencies and the interviewer always asks for my mobile number and looks at me with ill-concealed alarm when I confess my sinful omission.   

   “You really haven’t got a mobile phone? How can you possibly get by without one?”

   I stammer an unconvincing reply which, I’m sure, confirms in the mind of the interviewer that I’m a lost cause.

   So, that was the catalyst for me recanting my previously ‘not negotiable’ position on mobile phones.

     I got the thing from a service provider a couple of days ago. Within ten minutes of him extolling the virtues of the incredible phone plans on offer, plus the phone’s multitude of incomprehensible gizmos, I was brain dead! So, pretending I comprehended the gobbledygook he was spruiking, I selected a phone and a plan, signed my life away and bid a hasty retreat from the shop where everyone, but me, spoke a foreign language.

   I won’t bore you with the details of my agony in setting up the darn thing which took hours, but when I thought I had mastered receiving/sending calls; installing telephone numbers; receiving/sending text messages and so on – I decided to publicly announce my radical turn-around.

   Here is the email (NOTE: email, not text message) I sent to my family and friends:

Yes, I’ve been dragged struggling into the 21st Century! Much against my better judgment, I’ve capitulated and joined the mindless masses (with due respect) and now possess a mobile phone.

I’ve weakened as a result of being treated like a leper by employment agencies when I reveal (Aghast!) I DON’T HAVE A MOBILE PHONE!

So, if you’re willing to put up with the inconvenience of waiting for the jerk at the end of your call to recover from the shock of his phone ringing wherever he last put it; and the ensuing panic of fumbling to remember which buttony thingy to press – feel free to give me a call on ………………….. .

Alternatively, you can always text me instead – but brace yourself for a reply in Swahili as I’ve discovered that you require the manual dexterity of a micro-surgeon to hit the right  miniscule alphanumeric symbols with my stubby fingers and thumbs.

C’est la guerre!

Kind regards

   One of my friends was quick to reply by text, probably thinking I was pulling an early April Fool’s Day joke. The tone of his text message was disbelief and wonderment. Here is my reply:

Goofay ruddell

Ezpext a blig soom abiut My capotulayiom.


Which translated means:

“Gooday Russell,

Expect a blog soon about my capitulation.


   I have yet to receive a reply. I guess he is still ploughing through his Swahili/English dictionary?

PS: Don’t call me, I’ll call you!

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