THE DAWNING OF HAPPINESS
Continuing
on from my last blog posting, here is another extract from my current (yet-to-be-edited
and completed) book – THE WISE OLD MAN & THE YOUNG KID – A Guide to Living
a Positive Life.
The premise of the book is that an elderly
man, Davey, a successful author in the process of writing his autobiography, is
sharing his life’s experiences – especially his mistakes and what he’s learned
from them – with Noah, a 15 year old kid. They meet most days at the local
jetty where they go fishing. They have become friends.
Davey uses Noah (an old soul) as a sounding
board as he progressively writes about his life. He hopes his book will assist
readers, especially young adults, avoid the disasters he’s encountered in his
life as a result of bad choices and wrong-minded thinking,
The following extract begins with a section
from Davey’s autobiography.
My battle with depression started when I
was very young, even though I had no conscious awareness of this debilitating
mental condition until I was nearly 50 years of age. Certainly my formative
experiences as a young boy at school were major contributors to my increasingly
negative attitude. As was my parents’ inability to be the role models and
advisers I needed to assist in traversing the minefield of growing up. No doubt
the subterranean, but palpable tension between my parents on the home front and
my perception of my mother’s inability to express affection and my father’s
disinterest in me were significant contributors to my sense of isolation, lack
of love, lack of support and powerlessness. Instead of using these challenges
and setbacks that threatened to overwhelm me as opportunities to learn and grow
from, it was probably inevitable, being so young, I readily chose to become a
victim of them.
No wonder my cheerful enjoyment of life had virtually evaporated by the
time I commenced high school. It’s not nice waking up every morning feeling
under siege, imagining threats on all fronts and with little to look forward
to. To survive in the cruel, fearful world I saw around me, meant I had to be
constantly living off my wits and honing my survival skills to get through each
day.
After I left school and started work, my repertoire of survival skills
focused on pretending to be someone I wasn’t – outwardly brash, self-confident
and all-knowing. I didn’t have to think too deeply to realize I was a phony and
was just fooling everyone. Everyone that is, except the man in the mirror.
Totally self-absorbed and self-centered, numero uno was always top
priority. I took, I didn’t give. And furthermore, I didn’t seem to care who I
took advantage of along the way, or if someone else was hurt (especially
females). Just put that down to unfortunate and incidental collateral damage.
Despite an endless pursuit of pleasure, addictions and distractions, I
couldn’t hide away from the person I thought I was. Nor did I find lasting
pleasure or happiness. I was simply looking in the wrong places for the answers
to my problems and for happiness.
I now realize I had shut the door on ever being happy, simply because I
thought I didn’t deserve happiness. Despite my pathetic denials about my
self-defeating behavior, subconsciously I’m sure I believed I had a debt to pay
because of how I’d treated others. And until that debt was paid with me
suffering, I didn’t deserve what I really wanted – enduring happiness. Until I
suffered enough I couldn’t be right with myself and with others (let alone with
God, if he existed). In my distorted mind, I’m sure I thought I could redeem
myself and pay my debt by imposing pain on myself, through my self-doubts and
deep-seated unworthiness and the disappointments of life that accompanied them.
Subconsciously I thought my self-imposed suffering would somehow make me
deserving of happiness.
Crazy stuff? Indeed. However, my ever-growing burden of guilt made me
think and do strange things.
Fast forward to my second marriage break-up and my ‘God experience’ that
became a turning point in my life.
“So, after your second marriage broke up
and you experienced that wake-up call and turning point, was that when you
became happy?” asked Noah.
“Ha! Ha! I wish!” said Davey. “No, it happened ever so gradually over many
years in baby steps and stumbles, and lots of stops and starts. The process of
changing one’s entrenched attitudes – at least for me – was a lengthy and
difficult process. My ego resistance to believing I was deserving of happiness
was so firmly embedded, it took another 20 years of working on myself before
there was even a reluctant acceptance of the fact that I not only deserved
happiness, happiness was, in fact, my and everyone else’s entitlement.”
“Gee, that’s a long time.” said Noah.
“I suppose so. But remember I had lots of knots to untie in the silk
cord. However, I remember very clearly a break-through moment that opened the
door and gave me an experience of genuine and lasting happiness.”
“Why, what happened?”
TO BE CONTINUED
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