ME &
MIRACLES
In my previous blog posting I related what happened the night
my second marriage broke up; the unseen hand of synchronicity at play; and the
impact of A Course In Miracles (ACIM) that, I have no doubt, opened up my mind
to a profound spiritual experience.
After I packed my
bag and left home, I phoned my wife from my in-laws’ place (they were overseas)
and poured out my vitriol on her and her friends, who I thought had betrayed
me. My self-justified rage, as the innocent victim, knew no bounds.
After slamming down
the phone, the delicious thought of taking my own life to ‘get even with her’
crossed my mind. However, this was immediately dismissed when I remembered my
two young children. This immediately plunged me into further
dark despair. That’s when I cried out, “God, please help me!” Pretty weird
request from an avowed atheist! Then something
happened! Something inexplicable!
I felt a great rush of energy surge through my body from my feet to the
top of my head - an amazingly indescribable feeling of ecstasy. Simultaneously,
a dazzling light completely engulfed me and seemed to radiate out from me as
well. I felt my anger, my rage, my
despair, my need for vengeance, my self-pity - all immediately evaporate.
Concurrently I felt a wave of acceptance and forgiveness overwhelm me - a wave
of calmness and peace and joy. Somehow I knew everything was happening for a reason. Somehow I knew things would work out. I didn’t know how, when or why.
The next thing I knew, I was again on the phone, this time telling my wife to
ignore my threats and that I’d forgiven her. Furthermore, I told her I had also
forgiven myself. It was as if I was detached from my body looking at myself
making that call. It was only later that my intellect kicked in and I began to
question why I should forgive myself. Hang on a minute, I’m the innocent victim
here – none of this was my fault! I nearly convinced myself this pathetic
denial was true.
There were two immediate life-changing effects from this profound
spiritual experience that I’ll mention right now. Miracles?
I was a binge
drinker, another form of alcoholism. This addiction was usually confined to
weekends, when I’d drink until inebriated. Alcohol had been my prop, my escape,
for nearly the previous 30 years. You’d think the traumatic end of my marriage
should’ve sent me running to alcohol for refuge. In fact, the exact opposite
occurred. It was as if I’d lost the taste for it and the need for it as well. I
didn’t stop drinking immediately. I simply discovered that I couldn’t be
bothered drinking to excess any more.
Some 30 years on, I
can either take or leave drinking alcohol. Mostly I choose to leave it, except
for the occasional glass of a good wine when dining socially, or a glass of
champagne to celebrate some special event. I neither need nor miss drinking.
The self-doubts
that increased throughout my teens – primarily ignited by incidents that
occurred during my formative years - manifested mentally through anxiety and
nervousness and physically through tension headaches. From a comparatively
early age I began taking painkillers to relieve my severe headaches, which, by
the time I was in my early twenties, were occurring at least twice a week and
usually lasted a day or two.
I started off
taking mild analgesics and progressively graduated to the strongest painkillers
I could buy without a doctor’s prescription. Although the latter were very
strong, at best, they’d only take the edge off the pain. For a period of about
20 years, I kid you not, I was taking the maximum dose of these tablets at
least four days a week. Imagine the state of my liver and kidneys after that
prolonged abuse!
Unlike alcohol, I
gave up painkillers cold turkey. And this was before my tension headaches had
begun to diminish significantly in frequency and severity. I realized that if
the cause of all problems, including sickness, began in the mind, I’d better
focus on healing the cause, not just the symptoms, or effects. The discipline
of doing ACIM workbook lessons helped me greatly in this regard. I still suffer
from headaches infrequently. When I do, I know my attitude, or way of thinking,
has gotten off the rails, and I concentrate on correcting it. My headaches now
rarely last longer than a day, and usually only an hour or two. I haven’t taken
a painkiller of any kind since 1992, except recently when painkillers were
prescribed by my surgeon when I was recovering from an operation on my back.
Yes, A Course in
Miracles set me on a different path – a path of attitudinal change. And with
changes in my way of thinking, came miracles.
Can I now claim I
am constantly filled with joy and peace of mind?
No way. I’m still a
work-in-progress at removing the self-defeating barriers I’ve placed in my mind
through the ego. My guess is that if ACIM hadn’t come into my life way back
when, given my depressive nature, chances are I wouldn’t be on the planet now.
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